Doris Bersing, PhD
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Tackling Daily Life: How to Help a Senior Loved One After the Death of a Spouse

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When your spouse dies, your world changes. You are in mourning, feeling grief and sorrow at the loss.  The National Institute of Health had found that “…you may feel numb, shocked, and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. At some point, you may even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you…” Death of a spouse at any age is a life-shattering experience. In addition to psychological impacts such as depression, grief can have physical consequences such as sleeplessness and loss of appetite. It is important to know that these feelings are normal and expected, although they manifest in different ways in different people. Grieving does not come on one size-fits-all.  Although with a great impact for anybody, losing a spouse or significant other is more devastating for seniors.

For seniors, bereavement can have a devastating effect on their immune system and cause them to lose interest in their own care. This may in part explain why many seniors experience a severe decline in health or even pass away shortly after the loss of a spouse. For some, the death of a loved one can result in stress cardiomyopathy, often referred to as “broken heart syndrome”. but for seniors who have depended on each other for years, the loss can feel beyond overwhelming. “Losing a spouse is a trying time in many aspects but it can bring also some positive aspects if we can see it that way, says Bob Shannon (*) founder of  SeniorsMeet.org.

Some new facts will settle in and become new realities, some challenges but also some new learning experiences that can speak to the old saying of seeing a glass half full or half empty. The financial aspect is a very important one to look at when speaking challenges. After a spouse’s death, it quickly becomes apparent just how fragile your senior loved one is, financially speaking showing as inability to handle bills and less independence in in accomplishing activities of daily living.

Decreased Independence

It is natural for health problems to arise as we age such as arthritis, low muscle strength, balance issues, and vision problems – some of which may require medication. When two people live together, help is never more than a shout away, and typically one person finds themselves reminding the other to take their medicine. Now that your loved one lives alone, that security blanket has been ripped away, leaving you to constantly worry. You may find yourself making daily phone calls or trips to check in. In some cases, your loved one may be the one making the calls, as this new world is overwhelming. It becomes a balancing act of helping out as much as possible, but also knowing when to take a step back.

If your senior loved one prefers to continue living alone, consider making helpful alterations. Simple home modifications such as stair railings, bathroom grab bars, ramps, or removing any tripping hazards will increase the safety of the home. Install a home monitoring system so your loved one can quickly and easily call for help, giving you both peace of mind.

Should your loved one have mobility issues that limit their ability to take care of household upkeep and maintenance, help them connect with professionals who can handle necessary tasks. Whether it’s having the gutters cleaned, windows repaired, lawn care, house cleaning or any other type of service, experts with top ratings and stellar reviews will give you both peace of mind. For example, many gutter cleaning companies commonly offer a discount for senior citizens. A search on Angie’s list on the topic will yield a lengthy list of professionals, some of whom may even offer specials. Having a dedicated spot to find experts ensures you both find the right people for the job.

A positive aspect: The glass half full.

While it may sound odd, the death of a spouse creates a learning experience. For example, one spouse may have never written a check or paid a bill, as their partner handled all financial obligations. In some cases, the surviving spouse doesn’t know how to cook or drive a car. All the new responsibilities can become overwhelming, but technology makes learning new tasks and skills a breeze.

Encourage your loved one to take a class at a senior center or sign up for senior classes at your local college or university. If your loved one isn’t already tech-savvy, persuade them to take a computer class to learn the basics. They can use their new skills to keep in touch with friends and family via email or social media, keep updated on local and global news, or search the Internet for whatever their heart desires, such as a new recipe for banana bread.

Don’t forget about basic tasks too. Your loved one will have to learn to take care of themselves, and this includesbasic needs such as eating right, adequate sleep, and socializing. So encourage them to stay active and healthy through exercise, healthy shopping lists, joining a local senior center or going out with friends once a week to eat dinner, bowl, or play cards. There may even come a time when your loved one is ready to consider a romantic relationship. If you find they’re longing for companionship, help them connect with senior-friendly dating sites. Making new social bonds and/or dating after the death of a spouse can be a touchy subject. Is it disrespectful to my spouse’s memory? What will my kids think? How long is long enough to grieve? Every widow and widower has different answers to these questions. In reality, there are no set answers but the will be the topic of a next post.

Daily life will change after the loss of a spouse, but with a little help, it is more than manageable.  Help your loved one come up with ways to take back their independence, and live a fulfilling life comforted by the fact that they have a lifetime of memories to cherish.

(*) Bob Shannon created SeniorsMeet.org, along with his wife, Mary, to have a website that allows seniors to meet up and talk about topics that are relevant to their daily lives. They hope to build SeniorsMeet into a community of like-minded seniors.


Preparing Your Home for Alzheimer’s: Tips and Advice for Caregivers

When caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease or other type of dementia, the safety around the home is a very important issue. Caregivers, here you can find some tips and advice in regards to keeping your home safe.

Some Facts About Alzheimer’s Disease

Today,  about 5.4 million Americans suffer from Alzheimer’s disease, with the majority of them being aged 65 or older. Safety at home is a very critical issue when caregiving for somebody with Alzheimer’s disease. Safe at Home is the key. Progressive Alzheimer’s disease makes it impossible for people with it to take care of themselves. Many of them require care 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In order to make that possible, many people with Alzheimer’s move into a loved one’s home for caregiving.

Alzheimer’s disease is a severe form of dementia associated with memory loss as well as the loss of other cognitive abilities. The symptoms can be serious enough to eventually interfere with daily life. If a person is experiencing Alzheimer’s, you may start to notice:

  • Changes in personality and interests.
  • Difficulty making decisions.
  • Problems concentrating and general cognitive struggles.
  • Long-term and short-term memory loss.
  • Confusion with places, people, and timing.
  • The inability to complete tasks that require sequential steps, such as getting dressed or making a meal.

Caregiving for a person with Alzheimer’s disease is not easy. It’s difficult to watch people you love deteriorate and grow unable to do even the simplest things they used to enjoy. However, taking in people with Alzheimer’s gives them the opportunity to spend the rest of their lives surrounded by the people who love them while enjoying comfort and care. In order to make your home as safe as possible for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease, you’ll want to make a few preparations around the house.

Their Private Room: A Place to Escape

One of the utmost important things about caregiving for people with Alzheimer’s is preserving their dignity and showing them respect. Loved ones need a room of their own where they can have privacy and a place where they can escape the noise and confusion of outside. Their room should be safe, comfortable, and easy for them to move around in. Provide them with all the things they love whether it is a stereo for music, books, blankets, or a television. Remove hazardous decorations that can break or shatter upon impact. It’s also helpful to give them a room on the first floor near a bathroom for accessibility.

Bathroom & Kitchen Safety

The bathroom and kitchen are the most dangerous rooms in the house. If you are taking in Alzheimer’s patients for the long term, it may behoove you to accommodate these rooms for them with a remodel. To do this, you have to take cost into consideration. For instance, the average cost to remodel a kitchen is $19,589. There are several ways to modify your kitchen for safety. Considering the amount of dangerous tools and materials in the kitchen, locks on drawers and cabinets containing these things can prevent loved ones from hurting themselves. Some people also put locks on the refrigerator as the disease progresses. If the room contains steps or stairs, a safety ramp with rails to hold on to can help your loved one navigate the area safely.

When changing your bathroom, it’s important to make it accessible for loved ones while reducing hazards that can lead to a fall. Grab bars or side bars near the toilet and tub can help them get up and down safely and with ease. Label all water faucets clearly so they know which one controls hot and which controls cold. A scalding burn can be a devastating injury. Finally, make liberal use of non-slip mats, stools or chairs, and lighting.

If you are one of the millions of Americans who takes in loved ones suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, you’ll need to prepare your home to make a safe, comfortable environment. Providing them their own room is paramount; it’s important to respect their privacy and preserve their dignity. You may also want to consider making renovations or modifications in the kitchen and bathroom. These rooms are important but contain plenty of hazards you want to avoid.


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